Today has been an interesting day. Had my first out-on-the-road driving lesson that went pretty well actually. The instructor is really nice and feels there is only positive skills to be built on. Had meal out with mum and did food shopping which was nice, especially for her. It's good for her to get out to places I think. A break from getting stressed. For a couple of hours now I've just been mulling around listening to music and thinking that I probably really should do some preparation for those 2 practice exam papers tomorrow. But I just don't want to. Not today. I didn't think i'd have anything to do today so I could reflect, but I guess doing something would help me.. forget. It's not like it's a bad thing, just something that's the cornerstone for where I am now. In my life. Something happened on this day, 2 years ago. Something that I chose to do that I knew would have a massive impact. Something that made me happy for several months afterwards and lead to probably the best summer holidays I've ever had. All because of her. So much has happened since then I can't possibly write it all out. I can sum it up in basically this: We had a really, great relationship which I will never forget, ended because it got 'downhill' and then ended up with us as just friends. We did have some sort of plan to fix it all, to let ourselves be free for a while and then think about getting back together. But I guess a lot of plans are fragile things, and life dashes expectations to the ground. All that time we told each other we wanted to stay together for the rest of our lives and actually planned it all. And yet it;s still come to this. I guess that's mainly because of me. Something I did. But then, it;s been complicated between us 2 for ages it just feels second nature now. Which saddens me.
2 years today we would have been going out. And even though it's like she has moved on and I'm drifting on the surface, it's still just... weird. I can't stop thinking about that day. What I said, how much I meant the things I said. How badly I wanted her. Her, even when she feels there is nothing of value in herself, I saw everything. And that's what she was. My everything. I'm told there is no chance, been told for ages to be honest. And I don't think we could do it again. But still, it's just a something. Something that weighs heavily upon me. I want her to be happy so much. For someone to make her happy all the time, never be complicated. Is that too much to ask? I feel she deserves it. Everyone deserves a second chance.
I don't know really. Truth and lies all get caught up in the fray these days. Feelings that were so powerful before are then expected to be laid to rest. Moving on is for the best, and change is good. But it isn't exactly easy if you're being dragged down. No matter how much you rebel. They always find a weak spot, always try to bend you to their will. In these sorts of matters I think anyway. I think I'll stick to what I have now, what I know is true. What makes me smile.
I've been dreading this day for a while now, and my mood is indescribable. But after today, things will go uphill. I know they will. I won't let them go down again. OK there are things we cannot control, but the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can live better lives. That's a part of life. From the ashes comes new life. In a lot of cases even better than before. This my change that I can believe in. Because I choose to as well as have to.
