Just when you think you've got it all figured out

Most of my 1st year has been basically learning to take care of myself, like how to cook pasta properly and how rice is nothing like ordinary pasta (odd logic, both made from starch right :/), making friends in a new place and more or less learning who i actually am. I have only just realised that ever since last September I've been subconsciously re-creating my identity to fix the problems I've had with myself and my life in the past. As if moving to Bath means problems with my parents are no longer apparent; that proved to be BS. Like getting another job would be easy; biggest understatement of my life perhaps. And now I've come to the painful realisation that I'm not too sure who I am. I know this is probably very droll and bloody boring for whatever poor soul is reading this right now (that is if people are actually reading these posts anymore given the long period of in activity), but what I will say probably applies to many people.

In my case, I've realised how much I seem to cover up and pretend I'm something I'm not. I didn't realise that I may not be the complete sporty/jock I thought I could be by taking up American football. Don't get me wrong, most of the team has been great, and being part of something where it matters that I'm there is quite refreshing, and I'm fitter than I've ever been. Although I am hitting the gym at least 3 times a week now. For those who have no experience in this, American football calls for a much more direct use of aggressive testosterone behaviour for you to survive and adapt compared to rugby, which many people say is the same without pads. Hardly. You're told to hit people for the sake of it. Which was alright at first I guess, as I was angry about stuff and wanted to get rid of the feeling off missing home by taking it out on others legitimately. But how far can anyone keep going with something they know they aren't that happy with? If you don't enjoy something why the hell keep doing it? After all, most people reckon we only live once, and that may be right. But hey, there's no Star Wars society here otherwise I'd be there. There was the thought of the sealed knot battle reenactment society which sounded and looked cool, but I now feel I've been part of the team for so long, it's presence embedded in my mind and weekly routine so much that its hard to escape. I do like quite a lot of the team as well, though some are just too man-ish/rough/twatish for my pleasure. I wanted to set up a karate association next year anyway, I pretty much always thought this would be a 1st year thing. And that's the other thing Ive realised; I miss karate. I miss the art of controlling your movements with precision to counter any attack, I miss the calmness it brought me in even the toughest parts of being a teenager. I don't go out looking to be aggressive, I have trained myself not to give into hatred and anger. This is rather cliched, but as Yoda would say 'such feelings lead to the dark side'. Maybe he has a point, I don;t feel any better after these matches and training, I don't feel like any problems are solved. I ache like a bitch the next day usually and have to lug around the pads.

The point I am trying to get at is, if you don't think something is right for you don't do it. If self-defence isn't my style, why did I keep going for 5-6 years and become a black belt? 8 months into being a footballer and I am having serious doubts, not just average ones. The biggest concern that I have is that my fitness levels could drop a lot, even with the gym. I can't deny its kept me going, though I'm still rather flabby round my stomach. But I still have a lot more determination than others I've met this year, even more so than some on the team. I need to eat more portions of food because my hollow leg stage didn't really go, just developed into a routine. Football makes me feel good about it. I'm burning calories all the time. Fuck it, I think I'll do what makes me happy. I'm not convinced by the arguments for me staying much longer, which is kinda a shame as it has been pretty cool. I'll write an email to the coach and tell him how I feel. Well that felt good to get out, the only other people that know are my girlfriend and my parents.
So, if anyone else feels like this, all I can say is do what you want. This is your life, don't waste it on stuff you think might not do well for you in the long term. Do what makes you happy, because that is worth your time. And if that doesn't help, then take a look at this. It helped me.

Speak to you soon, Seb